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There are heteronormative ideas of monogamous and procreation-focused sexuality that poly and kink don’t fit.

I think there are even ways poly and kink can be actively used to subvert heteronormativity. Kink that plays with gender roles, perhaps. Or maybe poly relationships that emphasize personal autonomy replacing possessiveness.

But there are also ways in which poly and kink relationships can thoroughly embrace and assert heteronomative values.

For example: Dominant male, submissive female relationships that are premised on these gendered roles being a natural fit.

Or: “One Penis Policies” that, even while condoning same-gender relationships, also delegitimize them by framing them as less real and significant.

There are lots of ways male privilege and sexism can play out in kink and poly relationships, particularly when partners take on roles and arrangements without consciousness and critique.

Supporting poly and kink doesn’t mean supporting every instance of these relationships. Alternative sexualities and relationship styles can be problematic in the same ways as the mainstream.

And there are plenty of ways male privilege and sexism can play out in vanilla and monogamous relationships, which should also be engaged in consciously and examined critically.


Anonymous asked:

Is polyamourous persons part of the MOGAI spectrum?

What’s MOGAI?

I hadn’t seen MOGAI before getting this question. So I did some reading!

MOGAI means Marginalized Orientations, Gender identities, And Intersex (or Maginalized Orientations, Gender Alignments, and Intersex). MOGII is an alternative intended to prevent the A from being coopted by Allies.

Should MOGAI Include Poly?

I don’t think it was intended to include polyamorous people, but I’m not entirely sure. When I looked around, I saw one person specifically use it to include anyone who “isn’t dyadic” and someone else express concern about “kinksters, poly people and paraphiliacs who would just claim that they’re marginalized.”

Some people do experience poly (and kink) as orientations, so it’s definitely concievable to consider them part of the MOGAI acronym. A lot of us don’t experience it that way, though, so I don’t think it makes that much sense to try to put poly (or kink) into that basket.

Mostly, though, it just seems like a very new and obscure term with a bunch of issues. So I don’t think it’s going to really catch on.

Why MOGAI Doesn’t Sound Great To Me:

Some of those issues are:

• It’s still not clear who is actually included.

• That ambiguity makes it easy to include groups that others wouldn’t want to be lumped together with.

• I don’t know how it’s supposed to be pronounced.

• Grammatically, it should probably be “maginalized orientations and gender identities, and intersex” or “marginalized orientations, marginalized gender identies, and intersex,” because the current structure implies “marginalized intersex,” which doesn’t make any sense.

• And it should maybe be “intersex people” too, because just “and intersex” is really awkward.

• Female is a gender identity, and females are marginalized. Butch and femme are marginalized gender identities too. But it seems like the intent of MOGIA was to focus on trans/non-binary gender identities.

• Some people won’t want to be labeled marginalized.

Going Forward

I kind of like GSRM, for Gender, Sexuality, and Relationship Minorities (which I do include kink and poly in, but also do limit to groups that practice consensual sex), but it has its own problems. Those include also being kind of vague, that some people don’t like “minority,” and that it doesn’t explicitly include intersex people.

I don’t think we’re ever going to come up with the perfect acronym. I also think we often really need to talk about specific groups that have specific similarities, and having one all-inclusive acronym doesn’t serve that well. I think sometimes we need to get better at just clearly naming the groups we’re actually talking about in a particular instance.

onevioletfemme asked:

My partners are struggling to get along. They share several interests, but the way they approach things (and me) is very different. It constantly seems like they get under each other's skin. Any advice on trying to build friendship around jealousy?

I don’t have a lot to say about this issue, so I hope some readers will share some ideas too.

I think it’s important that they aren’t forced to be together constantly, that they both have some time to enjoy your company without the pressure of trying to get along with each other.

But when they are in the same place, I think it’s on both of them to just be on their best behavior and treat each other as nicely as possible.

In my mind, it’s sort of like being coworkers. You don’t have to like each other, but you do have to get along. And hopefully you’ll learn to appreciate each other more over time.

For it to work, I think they both have to earnestly want it to work. That doesn’t mean they don’t feel jealous or frustrated, but that they do believe there’s a goal worth moving past that.

And if they can find something they genuinely enjoy talking about or doing together, they should do more of that!


Anonymous asked:

Hi, I just started following you because you seemed to be more informative about polyamorous relationships. I have been dating someone for almost four years and he's been doing some personal exploring and he's pretty sure he's poly. I'm really excited that he's found the right word for what he tried to explain to me when we first started dating, but I'm worried as to where this puts me if he decides to start dating someone else as well. We talk about it, but I'm still confused about how to feel.

It’s awesome that you two are talking about how you feel and your relationship! You should keep doing that!

I’d encourage you to do some of your own personal exploring. What do you want out of your relationships? What kind of stuctures could work for you? What’s your ideal arrangment, and then what parts of that really matter to you?

You’re being supportive of your partner finding the right kind of relationship for him. That’s great! But you also have to find the right kind of relationships for yourself. And I hope your partner is as supportive of that!

People also do structure poly relationships tons of different ways. So where does him dating “put you”? Well, that depends! It depends on what he wants, but it could also depend on what the two of you want and how you negotiate it.


Anonymous asked:

I'm new to poly relationships. I have a friend that is non monogamous and we dated for 2 months before we decided to be "just friends" for the time being but we're still really close and hang out/talk all the time. I really hope we can figure it out.

I am not sure what you are trying to figure out, but good luck!

Particular Jealousy and Persistent Jealousy

Two Sorts of Jealousy

When we talk about dealing with jealousy, there’s sort of two different things we can talk about. We can talk more about dealing with a particular instance of feeling jealous, or we can talk more about jealousy as a persistent feeling.

Particular Jealousy

For dealing with feeling jealousy in a particular moment, my advice tends to focus on letting out emotions in positive ways (like journaling and exercising) or creating distractions (like hanging out with other people). Asking a partner for some reassurance can be good sometimes too.

I think that stuff can be a big help in getting through a specific day (like if you feel bad because your partner is out with someone else), and I think it can work again and again in those instances, but I also think there’s more we can do

Persistent Jealousy

I think persistent jealousy is something that be addressed on some bigger levels.

Some jealousy, I think, is deeply rooted in insecurity and self-esteem. That’s stuff you can work on, and stuff you should work on even if you’re relationships isn’t highlighting the issue.

I also believe you can cultivate different ways of looking at things and reframe how you see stuff. I try to see my relationships in positives as much as possible. I try to focus on what I like about my partners, and what they like about me.

But these things do take time and practice. Nonmonogamy is often a pretty big shift in how people are thinking about their relationships. It can take some adjustment.


Anonymous asked:

I recently entered a relationship with a polyamorous man. He's been married for several years, and his wife is also polyamorous. I have never know anyone polyamorous before, let alone been in a relationship with them,I have only ever been monogamous. I'm only living in the same city as him for the summer, but we are very much in love. I'm struggling with jealousy, communication, and how to deal with being what I presume is a secondary relationship. Any advice?

My girlfriend has this line she really likes that I think is appropriate here: “If it feels good, keep doing it. If it doesn’t, stop.”

Particularly since you’re only in the same city for the summer, I think you should focus on this:

Enjoy yourself!

Use the search function on my blog or and look for “jealousy” and “communication,” or combine it with “polyamory” to do a search a Google. You are not the first person to want advice on this stuff, and I feel really boring when I talk about it now.

If dealing with that stuff becomes too big a burdon, or you’re otherwise just not enjoying yourself, end it!

I think jealousy and communication is something people can overcome, but I also think overcoming that stuff can take a lot of time and work. So if dealing with that is occupying you more than the good things in the relationship, it might not be worth it.


Anonymous asked:

I'm a girl and I recently realized that I'm in love with these two girls. One I met recently and the other is an ex that came back. I really don't know what to do. Like, I love them both and I feel as though I couldn't choose just one of them because I would definitely hurt the other and that's the last thing I want to do.

It’s interesting to me that you say you can’t choose between them because it would hurt the other too much, and not because you couldn’t be happy dating one of them and not the other.

And it’s interesting that you seem drawn to the possibility of a poly relationship becasue of these particular circumstances, and not because you feel like that sort of relationship would always suite you better.

But those are both just oberservations.

I think you have to tell them how you feel.

But I also think you have to accept that how they feel isn’t your responsibilty. They may both he hurt by the truth of how you feel. They both may only be intersted in dating you if they are the only person you’re dating.

You may have to choose between choosing between them or being with neither of them.

out-there-on-the-maroon asked:

Any advice about the best way to approach someone when you want to invite them into your relationship? I currently have a lovely boyfriend, and I'm very interested in bringing in this other guy. (Current boyfriend is fine with me pursing new guy, not interested himself.) I don't wanna screw things up too badly because all three of us are on the board of the same club in college and I don't wanna make board meetings impossibly awkward.

Usually when I hear people talk about “inviting someone into a relationship” they mean that the new person would be involved with everyone in the current relationship. Like a couple becoming a triad. It sounds to me more like you have one relationship with your boyfriend, and now want to start a second relationship with this other guy.

Personally, I find relationships go more smothly when I don’t start by asking someone to be “in a relationship” but instead just flirt with them or ask them to go on a date. I usually see someone and have sex with them a number of times before we ever have a conversation explicitely defining our relationship. Sometimes we stop being involved before that happens.

I’m not saying that my way to do is the right way to do it, or the best way to do, but I just don’t really have advice for how to ask someone to be in a relationship if that’s the first time you’d expressed any interst in being involved with them. That’s sort of just totally foreign to me.

Unrequited interest always the potential to be awkward. You can mitigate this by expressing your interest in such a way that it’s possible for them to tactfully express that it’s not reciprocated (don’t shout that you love them in the middle of a board meeting), but it’s not your responsible if they’re awkard about it anyway (they might still act weird towards you). You do have to accept that, though, that it might be awkward. There’s no way around that.

That’s all true whether you ask them to be in a relationship, or ask them on a date, or flirt with them at a party. It’s true regardless of whether you have a lovely boyfriend already or not.

But that is an extra piece to consider. You should make it clear when you approach this other guy that your boyfriend is okay with this. If you can find a way to do it, it’s often easier to do this indirectly. (I usually just mention that my girlfriend has a husband….) You might just have to say it directly.

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